I have been learning several things over the past few weeks. First off, I have been learning to live without a plan. No this doesn't mean that I never make plans, but it means that plans are a way more tentative thing in my mind then they used to be. With substitute teaching I never know from week to week what my work schedule will look like. This isn't necessarily ideal, but it is definitely teaching me to be flexible and to not plan too far in advance. Subbing has been a good experience. I'm thankful for the opportunity but still don't feel like it's something that I am good at or something that will lead me further into a career. For now though I will take the opportunity and see what God wants to teach me through it.
I could definitely use some help with classroom management. It feels like the second someone different from their teacher walks in the students automatically decide its party time. I mean, I'm all up for having a good time and all, but that has to be done with some amount of control. I'd like to think that with experience maybe I'll get a better feel for it, but so far that has not been the case. 2 weeks ago, I subbed 2 days in a row. The first day went fairly well, the second one went so poorly. I think I was just pretty discouraged after that and haven't been as excited to sub. I am subbing Wednesday this week, a floating position like I started with my first day. Hopefully it goes well.
I still struggle on a daily basis with the question of what is it that God wants me to do. Where does He want me to go. It's not that I feel like He isn't using me here, I know He is. It's more a question of, what does He want me to be open to and when. Is there a job somewhere where I can use my gifts, talents, and abilities? What kind of job even encompasses those gifts? There are moments where I just feel like I'm at such a loss. I feel so unsure of what I'm supposed to do. I am sure part of this is normal, and yet I also feel like I should have some sort of idea.
The idea of coming back to my apartment each day isn't as appealing as it was 2 months ago. The newness of living alone has kind of worn off and I find myself really missing having roommates. For all those times when I complained or was frustrated with a rooming situation, I now I realize I shouldn't have taken that for granted. I definitely am glad that I am living on campus and not just in a random apartment by myself, but I do miss the community and fellowship that happens when you live with others. The late night conversations and the spur of the moment runs to walmart. College is definitely a unique time of life and one that I am still trying to adjust from. I am still working on finding the balance of living on a college campus and not being a college student.
I have always been a planner. Ask my mom and she would tell you that planner is a word that describes me very well. I'm not necessarily proud of that, but it has always been what I've known. Trying to be okay with not having a plan is stretching me. It definitely hasn't been easy, but I know that it is a good place to be. A place where I can do nothing but trust God. In jobs, in friendships, in what lies ahead I really have no control.
God has a plan. He holds me in His hands and He walks with me every step of every day. In all things He is a trustworthy and a dependable friend. These are all things that I am leaning on in this time of uncertainty.
