When Dreams Become a Reality.

Six months ago when I left my job at Olivet, I didn't envision myself working at a college again for a very long time. I hadn't ruled it out completely because I love college students, but  it definitely wasn't on my radar for anytime soon. I felt like in this arena of my life, my potential wasn't seen and my dreams were shattered. I couldn't figure out how to use my degree and my gifts to the fullest. After not working for some time, moving to a new state, teaching 5th grade for 9 weeks while taking grad classes, and again being unemployed the Lord has been speaking to my heart and directing me in ways I hadn't envisioned but in ways that are far greater than the plan I had.

Today, I sit here in awe of the Lords continual provision in my life. He is my firm foundation and my Father who cares so deeply about me. When in the midst of hurt and pain I didn't always see the Lord in this way, I couldn't fathom why a loving Father would put me through what I went through. I couldn't understand why one after another the plans and dreams I had would be shattered and I wouldn't be able to see what purpose the Lord had for my life. It didn't make sense, and many times in the midst of it all I didn't have the strength to believe that the Lord had something greater. I have recently been  learning and been challenged through my pastor and other Godly wisdom in my life that God works through human frailty to get His work done, that He is the one who gets us where we need to go regardless of what that takes. I am learning to be grateful for the shattered dreams and the painful seasons and for where the Lord has brought me despite that.

Job Update!!

I loved the work I did as a student worker in admissions at Olivet and for many years have desired to work as a full time admissions counselor. I love that age group, and really love navigating through those decisions with students. College is such a formative time and so to be able to help give students the opportunity to find a place they will flourish is very important to me. I have been given an incredible opportunity to be an enrollment counselor at Colorado Christian University in Lakewood, CO. I am very excited for what this position holds and for the ways I will get to impact lives through this role. I will be traveling to Southern California and Nevada to recruit students and then will work with those students and their families through them applying, being admitted, accepting, financial aid, everything it takes until they get to campus the following fall. I absolutely love CCU and can't wait to help walk with students through some of the biggest decisions they have made thus far in their lives. I am beyond blessed to have this new job that is not at all where I thought I would be, but it is a gift from God and I know I am exactly where He wants me. I wouldn't be where I am at today without the grace of God, his unending love, and the people He has put to walk with me through it all. I am thankful that although sometimes it takes longer than you had hoped, the Lord knows our desires, our potential, and our gifts and He is faithful to provide and make those dreams into a reality.

Pressing Pause

Again I am in awe of my Father. Two weekends ago I spent Friday evening and all day Saturday in class for my licensure program. Friday I had interviewed at another school hoping to get a job and stay in my program to get my teaching license. By Saturday I still hadn't heard back but I was feeling very certain that the school I had interviewed at was not where the Lord wanted me. All week I had been praying that the Lord would open the door if that was His will, but that He would keep it closed if it was another unhealthy environment. Saturday night I was really struggling. I was unsure of the Lord's plan. I spent all day learning about classroom management not even sure when or if I would have a classroom to apply it in. I was nervous about this interview I had Friday because it didn't feel right but if they offered it to me, I couldn't imagine saying no because that would mean giving up my program which seemed illogical. I wrestled, grieved, and worried- this was getting me nowhere. I'm thankful to live with women who remind me of this and who push me to not let myself stay there. This began the journey of praying for the Lord to open doors for me outside of education, realizing I needed to press pause on teaching for the time being. I began to realize that I have a degree, and I have gifts that I can use in areas other than teaching. I have applied for and interviewed at a couple of jobs in the field of business not-for-profit, and patiently waiting for the Lord to direct me. I am excited about the opportunities that lie ahead and will share more once I know where I will be working. Just continuing to be praying that the Lord will be glorified through this decision and the work that I will get to be a part of. The time that I haven't been working has been such a blessing, I am definitely looking forward to routine once again but I have enjoyed the freedom of this time away from it. I've loved getting to reconnect with people, get plugged in at church, meet new people, really feel like this place is my home, invest in new people, read, be outside, the list could go on. I am learning to rest, to slow down, and to wait. It has just been such a time of healing after the last job I was in and the season I had come out of. When people ask why I moved to Colorado my answer was that I moved here to have a fresh start and meet people my age, to grow spiritually, and to teach. The Lord has been redefining that, maybe it took the teaching program to get me out here but that doesn't mean that was his only plan. He has other plans in store for me for this season and He has gifted me in so many other ways that I am excited to watch unfold. I love the church I am a part of and the people I have been able to meet through that. It has been so neat to have  a front row seat in watching the Lord provide in that area of my life. It's crazy that so many of the friends I have met have also recently moved here and I love getting to know their stories. In such a short amount of time I have been able to know them on a deep level and am very thankful for that. Continuing to learn to find contentment in my circumstances and to allow the Lord to fill every need in my life. Daily I ask Him to remind me of my value and worth in Him and to use this time to grow me to be a good friend to others, and to be a Godly, supportive, and confident wife someday. There are many days when my timeline wants to take control over His timeline, but daily I have to lay that at His feet and relinquish that control and desire to Him. I am learning that His plan is far greater than mine, I can see that even when I look back in my life at plans I made and how He changed those plans into something far greater. He is using me right now and is preparing me for the day I get to be a wife, but  rather then pressing fast forward I am trying to enjoy today and the freedom and opportunities I have in this season of life. I am trying to pause and allow Him to work in me while I wait.

An Update from CO: Walk by Faith

There are times in our lives when we have to make decisions that don't make sense, or decisions are made for us that we don't understand. I feel lately as though I have been through many of these, and yet I feel an indescribable peace knowing that once again the Lord has gone before me and goes with me. In the midst of these times we learn and we grow, it may be painful but we endure because of His faithfulness and His unending love.

A huge struggle in my life is not allowing myself to believe the lies of the world. I am guilty of allowing myself to listen to what people think or say instead of listening to what my Heavenly Father says. This is something I am working to overcome. Especially in seasons of great loss and not understanding it can be hard to combat those lies with truth. Continuing to lean into the word and to what HE says, because that is all that matters.

From the time I was little I have been one who goes deep with those in my life. I go into relationships with a longterm mindset, because of this I invest deeply and care immensely. I do this with friends, relationships, and I even experienced this in my classroom. This trait is one that I wouldn't change no matter how hard it is when I experience loss, because it draws me closer to Him. And in all of those situtations I feel like I can look back knowing that I loved as Christ calls me to love- deeply and intentionally. This was no different with my 30 precious students. I loved them every single day, when they were angels and when they were being defiant. I walked into a building for 9 weeks set to be the hands and feet of Jesus in my classroom and in the building, to love deeply and to do my very best to educate my students. I was determined to push through no matter how hard, how tired I was, how beaten down, how discouraged, overworked, taken advantage of, and how unsupported I felt. I was determined to be there for my 30 kids no matter how I was treated from above. I prayed daily that the Lord would sustain me and carry me and He did. He helped me to endure many long and challenging days. It came to a point last week where I felt like the Lord was saying, "Jordan, you have given everything you have to give here. I know you love your students, but my daughter this is not a healthy place for you. You are not at your best. I know you don't give up on things, but I am asking you to lay down your pride and your desire to have security and step away now. Trust me to provide for you. I will take care of you." I sense He had been trying to tell me pieces of this along the way, but it finally became clear to me and I no longer could run from His direction for me. A week ago, I stepped away from job. Since then I have felt an unexplainable peace, I have sensed His nearness. Not a day goes by where I don't miss my kids, but I have to believe the Lord has them. He cares about them even more then I could on my best day. He has a plan for each of their lives, and while I only was able to be a part of it for a short season I have to believe that the Lord was at work in that and He used me in the time I was there. Those students names, faces, and stories are forever etched on my heart  and who knows what the Lord has planned for those kids.

In the days since, I have had the opportunity to spend time with my mom (such a blessing she is), explore new places, to be outside, to read, and to rest. If you need a good book to read check out "Present over Perfect", by Shauna Niequist. This book has challenged me to slow down, to live more simply, and to not be concerned with what others think.

As far as next steps go, its in the Lords hands. In order to stay in my licensure program I need to find a teaching job by Saturday. If not, then I will sub or find some type of work and continue looking for teaching jobs to reenter the program in January. It is uncertain, but I beleive the Lord has a plan. For now, taking it one day at a time, submitting applications, praying, and looking to Him to open the right doors.

He is faithful, which allows us to know He is ABLE

He delights in me. He adores me. These are truths that I am finding comfort and peace in today and everyday. It's the reason I can get up every morning. It's the reason I am alive today, because He has a plan for me. And He knew on my worst days that He wasn't finished with me. Today I am here and I'm thankful for his protective hand over me even when I didn't think I wanted Him to give me another tomorrow. He knew, and He never left. He surrounded me and He has shown me how deeply He cares for me. On the days of restlessness and pure angst I wasn't sure how He was working or how He would bring me from that place, but praise God that my Father knows my needs and He not only knows them but He provides for them. 

While now in a completely different season, He reveals this to me in different ways. The struggles are different, but my God hasn't changed. I need his strength in different ways and for different reasons. The cool thing is, he knows just that. He knows what those hard things are and why they're hard. He knows what will come out of this season and He knows the length and depth of this season. 

Please pray for clarity and direction in an environment that is destructive. Please pray that no matter what is going on around me or what is being said to me that I will be able to continue to impact and love my students well. That I will see the good, and tune out the voices that cause me to doubt and to feel inadequate. Pray for my interactions with those who tear me down, I want to demonstrate grace and kindness and am struggling to do so. 

I am encouraged by who He is and the depths of His love for me. He has not brought me here to leave me. Through suffering we learn to grasp just a glimpse of what Christ felt that day on the cross. The Lord works through those times and I can look back and see how faithful He was and look ahead in the midst of the here and now and know HE IS ABLE. 

To Be Known

One year ago today I never thought my year would look as it did or that I'd be where I'm at today. I'm reminded day after day that my Father did. He knew before each significant and insignificant event occurred. He knew that today I would be standing in front of a classroom full of fifth graders whom I absolutely love in a state that I never imagined I would live in. He pulled me from my fears and my stubbornness and has placed me here today. I remember that many times I said to Him- "No, I won't go alone." I look back now and regret that I wasn't willing, but I rejoice in the fact that despite my inadequacies and short comings that He is still on the throne. And He directs us to where He wants us, even if in the moment it seems impossible.

While I absolutely love teaching, not every moment has been easy. I continue to wrestle with behavior problems.  I have kids at very different levels and I want to be able to meet each of them where they're at. I'm still trying to find the balance between being prepared and at my best for my students and my job but also taking care of myself and getting involved in other things.

Moving is challenging, there are so many little things that have to happen. But more that that trying to find a church, meeting people, figuring out where and what to plug in to, finding your way around, and trying to do all of this on top of a brand new job. It isn't easy. My kids today asked me if I missed my home, I never thought I would- but I do. I miss the people who know me and who I know deeply. I wish I could have taken the time to reflect and explain to them that even though I miss my home, I know I'm where I'm supposed to be and I have a home here filled with beautiful women and a classroom full of beautiful children.

Every day I have to remind myself that I am the Lords and that He has brought me here to love those around me and to daily pick up my cross and follow Him. Some days I really struggle with not being known and what it takes to get to that place with people. It's so different from where I was and so I have days where all I want to do is to sit down and have 5 1/1's and have deep conversations with others. Yet, I know that this is a different season for me. I know that someday there will be more balance but for right now I'm right where the Lord wants me. I'm known by Him and that is enough and always will be enough.

My students are precious to me. I don't have it all figured out and I feel like I'm constantly reevaluating and changing things in order to try to best meet the needs of each one of them. It's challenging. My heart breaks to be able to lead my students and to have them follow me. Tomorrow we hit the restart button and I'm praying we will get there, that they will know their potential. Just as I desire to be known im sure they do too, it's hard to know what that looks like when your day is jam packed from start to finish but I desire to know them and for them to know that I care. I know it is possible and I have to keep pressing forward. It is easy to believe things that are not true. No matter what I have to continue to give all that I can and to believe in myself and my students and most importantly to trust the Lord to lead and to be in control.

Tomorrow I gain 31 precious children

Tomorrow begins a journey the Lord has been preparing me for, for 25 years. In less than 12 hours I will have my very own class of 31 fifth graders.  When I was little my mom would bring home all of the old textbooks and I would spend hours in our "school room" teaching my friends or teaching my stuffed animals when my friends weren't around, that now becomes a reality. Since graduation I knew that a career in business wasn't exactly what I was created to do, but I couldn't figure out what the culmination of all my passions and gifts led to. I tried substitute teaching, which didn't make me want to teach, you know how kids treat a sub. I wrestled, I struggled, I felt lost, confused and alone. I often felt like I didn't have purpose. I loved getting to do ministry with college women, yet I knew that someday I would have to have a full-time career and just couldn't figure out what that would be. Instead of focusing on where I was at in the moment I was often worried about the future and what kind of job would be right for me. I felt like I had wasted my education in a way because I knew I didn't specifically want to use that degree. Most of the time I felt like I didn't belong and yet I couldn't figure out where it was I did belong. Yet, through all of that God was creating me and shaping me. He had a plan, even in the darkest moments when I couldn't feel His presence. There are still things in my life I can't begin to understand, but what I do know is that my God is faithful and my God cares about me in a way no one else ever will. And I can look back on certain events and situations and can see how that fits into the puzzle. I know that God has used it all to try me nearer to Him, to make me more like Him, and to teach me.

All that to say, I couldn't be more thrilled to begin my teaching career in the morning. From the time my baby brother was born and I was 8, I've always loved kids. Through my years of babysitting, teaching Sunday school, and hanging out with any kids I knew I've always wanted to have my own children. In fact for many years it was hard to be career focused, because raising children was all I wanted to do. Yet, I have had to learn that our timeline and plans for our lives are often not the timeline and plans that our Father has for us. While having my own doesn't seem to be anytime soon, I couldn't feel more blessed then to be given the opportunity to have my own classroom of students that I get to invest in, teach, and impact. The amount of hours I will get to spend with them, and preparing for our time together is not a task I take lightly. They deserve my best and I desire to work hard to fill those shoes. 

I've spent many hours this past week getting ready not just for tomorrow but for this year. I didn't realize I was capable of learning that much in a week. While I still have a lot to learn, I'm walking into tomorrow trusting the Lord to equip me, to use me, and to fill me with confidence and boldness. 

I'm grateful tonight for the ways the Lord is working both behind the scenes and in ways I can see. I'm thankful for the chance to begin in a new place. It's been almost a month since I've moved out here and while some days it feels like yesterday and others it feels like forever. It's not necessarily been easy, but it has been good. I'm thankful for the new people in my life, the people who I have known for a short time but who have gone out of there way to make me feel welcome, for the people out here who I already know and the comfort that comes from that, and for the people who aren't here but who are only a phone call away, and for my family and the way they have supported me on this journey and have been patient with me as I figure out what it is that I am called to do. 

Tomorrow I begin my career that as a child I dreamed of. I'm thankful that the Lord redirects us and has His hand on our lives in everything. 

When we say YES, we give God room to work

I have never loved change, but over the course of the last year change has happened in my life in ways I never would have guessed or necessarily chosen. These changes have caused me to come to the point where I had to say "Yes, God you can take me from my comfort zone." It is in that we allow Him room to work and to use that change for good. I am in AWE of my Good, Good Father. He is provider, restorer, redeemer, creator, protector, and always always goes before us. Joy and Peace- two qualities that my Heavenly Father has restored to me in this season, and I am beyond thankful for that. Here are a few ways God is revealing Himself in my life.

For those of you who desire to follow me in this new journey, I would love to talk in person but I also will try and share through writing so that you can see what I am learning and doing. Thank you for your love, prayer, and support. I have been in Colorado for 10 days. I love it here. I love the people, the scenery, the weather, the places, and all there is to offer. I have been blessed to have my mom with me for the last 10 days, to help me get settled and to explore together. The plan was to unpack the truck and get my things organized, unfortunately the truck has yet to make its way to Colorado. Yes, I am frustrated, but in the grand scheme of things- it's just stuff. I can live on an air mattress for a while, and re-wear and wash the clothes I have here. I could choose to stress about this, and it has been stressful because the company we are working with has not been reliable or helpful; however, in the midst of these days here without my belongings I have gotten to experience so much. And the Lord is working in incredible ways.

I love my house, the house itself is great but more so- it's the women who live there that make it a home. I love them already. I love the way they love the Lord and love others. I am excited to know them more, but just feel so blessed to live in a place where I can be myself and feel cared about. I can see the Lord through each one of them. Not, only has my house become a home so quickly but God has provided a job for me. In a matter of being in Colorado for just a few days I had interviewed and been accepted for a 5th grade teaching position. I am overwhelmed with God's continual provision. I can't wait to meet my students, I pray for them daily and already care about them even though I don't know their names. I can't wait to learn and grow as I have the opportunity to teach them. I feel honored to get to teach at Community Leadership Academy- it is a prestigious school, one that cares about its teachers, and one whose main focus is for students to learn in a safe and healthy environment. My students will primarily come in speaking spanish in kindergarten, but by 5th grade should be fluent in both english and spanish. I can't believe that I have the opportunity to be an influence in these students lives, and to have them in my life. Prayers are definitely appreciated as I go into this position, it is one that I don't feel adequate for, but one that I know the Lord has gone before me and prepared me for.

I look at Isaiah 43- "When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior." I am thankful for this truth and for the way it is evident in my life. There have been so many moments where I felt like I was drowning and yet my God walked with me, and not only did He help me stay a float, but He RESCUED me. The mountain I climbed was steep, and I fell many many times, but He carried me to the top. He desires to walk with us through it all, and I am so so grateful that He does.

I could write for hours about the way God has provided, but here is just a glimpse into how He is at work. It's not always in the way I ask or am expecting Him to work, but He knows my needs and He makes everything beautiful in His time. Thanking Him for the way He is making my story beautiful, and how He will continue to make other parts of it beautiful in His timing. Thank you for walking with me. Thank you for reading and caring about me.

Soaking it all up

Transition- movement, passage, or change from one position, state, stage, subject, concept, to another. Lately I feel like so many areas of my life are in transition. A term I have never loved and usually embrace with hesitancy. "The opposite of faith is not doubt. The opposite of faith is certainty. Certainty doesn't require faith, it's when we are uncertain that we need to have faith." Transition is by no means easy, but it is often uncertain. And that uncertainty requires me to have faith. It requires for me to grow deeper in my dependency on the Lord. 

These past few weeks have been the first time since I can remember when I wasn't employed. While it has been extremely different and feels weird, it is extremely freeing. I have realized how stuck I was. Being able to have the flexibility and freedom to travel and see friends has been a huge blessing. I have been able to be around for things for my friends and family that I feel like I have missed out on for years. I am thankful that I have been able to spend this month in this way, 

Through this transition I have also had time to read- to read to learn and to read for fun. To dig into the word. To learn from Christian authors, to journal, and to get lost in a novel. I have enjoyed having time to read throughout these days. If you need any recommendations, I am always up for offering a few titles. 

I have been challenged by several of the sermons I have heard over the last month or so. I am learning what it looks like to live in the joy of the Lord despite circumstances. I am learning to depend on my Father daily. I am learning about the peace that God gives. Our peace first has to be with God, then peace in out hearts, and then peace with others. He is the building block that our lives must be built upon. I am learning how God instructs us to live in love.  These 23 points have challenged me and really taken me deeper in my understanding of how I am called to love others and to be in relationships with others. It is definitely worth spending some time reading through them, they will take you deeper in the way you love those in your life (http://www.paultripp.com/articles/posts/23-things-that-love-is).

Taking risks isn't something I'm good at nor something I've always seen as vital. However, I'm learning that it's in that risk that we have to depend on Jesus. It's that risk that takes us deeper. When asked about my life, I want to be able to say I'm living a life worthy of His calling. I want to live out the mission of Ephesians 4- "As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worth of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to one hope when you were called; one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all."

It is surreal that I leave for Denver next week. Leaving behind all that I have known. I can't begin to explain what I am feeling. There are days I don't want to go, and other days I know that it is exactly where I am supposed to be. I am eager to see what the Lord has in store. I am trusting Him with the uncertainties and believing that He is at work beyond what I could ever ask or imagine. 

Worship songs always have a way of speaking to my heart. Here are a few that are on repeat these days. 

• Oceans - Hillsong United
• Give Me Faith - Elevation
• You Make Me Brave- Bethel
• Blameless- Dara Maclean

If you're wondering how you can partner in praying with me through this next season here you go. I appreciate you walking with me and praying for me. 

1. That I will be open and present in this new journey. That I will allow the Lord to heal my heart and be fully present in this new journey.
2. That I will find a church to plug into and a ministry to be a part of where not only I can serve others but where I can be poured into.
3. That as I meet people and make friends I will be able to be vulnerable with them. That I will know who I can trust and that I will not be afraid to let others into my life.
4. That the Lord will provide a teaching job and that He will give me the confidence and courage to lead and to have an influential role in my students lives. 

Out of darkness there is light

2 Corinthians 4:6-10

"For God, who said, 'Let there be light in the darkness,' has made this light shine in our hearts so we could know the glory of God that is seen in the face of Jesus Christ. We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves. We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. Through suffering our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies."

Sometimes in our lives we have to go down paths that we wouldn't choose in order to get where we are going. This year has been hard. Really hard. Every year since graduation has been challenging, but this probably has been one of the hardest. I have had many good days, but I have also had many not so good days. Needless to say, I have not felt like myself. I feel like I haven't been able to live in the joy that the Lord wants me to live in. While I want to choose His joy and His light, there are moments I haven't. I have chosen to work toward getting better, not always understanding or knowing what that means or how to do that. I have tried to keep myself busy in order to try and not deal with some of the deeper issues and have tried to pretend like everything is okay. I have tried to push through, have tried to keep going- when in turn I was actually backsliding. I don't slow down, I don't take a step back- but a couple weeks ago I had no other choice. I got to a point where I had to step away in order to work through some things and to figure out what changes needed to be made. This was not a pretty process, in fact it came with a bit of resistance, many tears, and a lot of confusion. BUT I am extremely thankful for that time. I learned some very valuable keys during that time. I learned that I am strong. That moments like those don't take away my strength.  While also learning at the same time that I don't have to have it all together, that I am human and that in this world we have struggles and that admitting them gives us a sense of freedom to begin the process of healing. I learned that sometimes it's okay to take care of myself. I'd rather take care of and serve others, but I can't do that if I neglect myself. I appreciated the unscheduled days, it allowed me to focus on the task at hand that gets lost sometimes in the midst of constant busyness. I am beyond thankful for those who stood by me in that time. Who processed with me, who prayed diligently for me, and who loved me in the darkest moments. I am thankful for the support system I do have and for those who have remained through it all. 

Through this time away and a lot of prayer and reflection I have been able to pinpoint a few changes that I needed to make. I have realized that I have to let go of the goals that I had in and since college. Some of them I hope will still happen down the road, others of them I have learned to accept. I have realized that I've been searching for a career where I can thrive and be challenged and love what I do. I've struggled to commit to anything or to even try to envision a career for myself because I couldn't see past "my plan" which didn't exactly involve a career. Over the last couple weeks the Lord has started to reveal to me pieces of the puzzle to help me see a new direction. I have decided to take a step back from the program I was planning to do in Missouri and to spend some time working through some things in my life and investing in a longer-term career. I found a program at Colorado Christian University where I can teach full time in a classroom while I receive my licensure, so I will take a few classes and have a supervisor but otherwise will be a regular classroom teacher in the Denver area. (Hopefully first grade!) I love kids, and while I can't have my own right now-teaching will give me the opportunity to have 20 some of them all of the same age all at the same time and then send them home at 3:00 each day! Teaching though isn't just a job, teaching encompasses so much more. The impact you can have on a child's life is so significant. I think about the roles teachers have played both negatively and positively in my life, I get excited when I think about being able to influence the lives of children. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I can work toward something and that I can find work that I love and can do joyfully until the Lord leads me in a different direction. I won't move to Colorado until August and am still working on applying for licensure and getting a job, but am trusting those are pieces he Lord will continue to add to the puzzle. I am excited about this new journey and to be able to teach full time! 

The words to this song are truths I am trying to cling to. 

Carry Me by Kristine Dimarco 

"In the moments where I'm weakest, I lift my eyes to see. You are everything You said you'd be. When I'm looking for the answers and questions stir up fear I lift my eyes to heaven and your voice is all I hear. 

You carry me through the valley, carry me through fire. You carry me into freedom, carry me into life. 

When I'm searching, when I'm longing for more than what I've seen. Its your love that keeps me steady and my heart from wandering. 

You carry me through the valley, carry me through fire. You carry me into freedom, carry into life. You carry me up the mountain, carry me to the heights. Where I understand your story, where faith is not a fight. 

I'm leaning, leaning. Leaning on the everlasting arms."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lmxNhI4YHaI

Open Doors

Missouri wasn't necessarily at the top of my list of places that I wanted to move to once I left Illinois, but the door opened and I walked through it. I didn't exactly run through the door, nor did I jump up and down. Rather I got down on my knees and begged the Lord to prepare my heart for what He had for me next. To give me a willing heart. And to be able to lay my fears and doubts before Him. In the process of that I can't say that there weren't moments where I was frustrated because there were. But God took those hurts, those not so pretty moments and sculpted something so beautiful. It is because of God's grace, provision, and peace that I get to share what I get to do after this school year.

In mid-August, I will be moving to Independence, MO (about an hour from Kansas City) to work as a mentor/big sister at a Christian boarding school for troubled teenagers. http://shelterwood.org/mentor-program/ I will be working with about 20 other mentors, and will have direct care over a handful of residents, while also overseeing the other residents at the school. I will live at the school, I will take part in therapy sessions and other activities with the students. I will help create a healthy and safe environment for them where they can achieve their goals and work toward returning home. There is so much more to this role, that I am excited to learn about. I know that what I'm walking into will not be easy, yet I believe that the Lord is already preparing me and that He goes before me and with me to equip me for this ministry. 

Not only am I excited about this next step in my journey, but I have this final semester as an RD to keep investing in the women here. To love deeply and to be a part of the Olivet community. I am so thankful for that. I know that God has used this as a training ground and as a spring board for my future. I will forever be grateful for the people and experiences here that have shaped who I am and that have pointed me nearer to the Lord. 

I'm thankful that the Lord is a healer. I'm thankful that He brings light to darkness. For the hard seasons and the good ones. I'm thankful that God has plans for my life that I can't see, that He knows my heart and my desires and that He is the one in control. I'm thankful that friendships aren't bound by a place and that He has placed people in my life who will forever be in my life no matter where our physical location may be. 

I am choosing to trust- day by day, moment by moment in my God who loves and cares about me so deeply. 

The impact of stories

My heart is so heavy for the kids that I have the opportunity to work with on a daily basis. I continue to learn more of their stories each day I'm with them. They are so broken. They come from broken homes. They have low self-esteem. They are told they won't go anywhere, that they won't ever be smart. I often get frustrated that they aren't working or that they are saying certain things, and then I take a step back. When I start to learn their stories it makes so much more sense. They don't want to do their work because their parents have told them they will never be smart. They are disrespectful to me because whatever it is that happens at home, they think everyone is out to get them. They mess up in the first hour of school and so they think that the rest of their day is going to be bad, they don't understand second chances. This is what I deal with every day and every day my patience is tested, and yet my heart is broken. These children are all precious, yet most of them are being told the complete opposite of that. I wrestle with feeling like I can't do anything to change these kids circumstances, but am learning that my job is just to teach and love them as best I can for the 30 minutes a day they are with me. I might not be able to rescue them from their homes, but I can offer them patience, grace, consistency, encouragement, and optimism for the short time I am with them. As hard as this is some days I am so thankful that God chose me, also a broken human, to be a part of these lives.  

It makes me sad to think that after this school year I will be leaving that building and the kids that I have gotten to know over the year, but their faces and stories have impacted me and will forever be ones that I remember. It just reminds me of how we are each loved by our Heavenly Father, me included, which is not something I have always been able to believe. 

Trust

"Strive to trust Me in more and more areas of your life. Anything that tends to make you anxious is a growth opportunity. Instead of running away from these challenges, embrace them, eager to gain all the blessings I have hidden in the difficulties. If you believe that I am sovereign over every aspect of your life, it is possible to trust Me in all situations. Don't waste energy regretting the way things are or thinking about what might have been. Start at the present moment- accepting things exactly as they are- and search for my way in the midst of those circumstances. Trust is like a staff you can lean on, as you journey uphill with Me. If you are trusting in Me consistently, the staff will bear much of your weight as needed. Lean on, trust, and be confident in Me with all your heart and mind." (Jesus Calling)

Trust, a concept I continue to learn day after day. When trust is broken it takes an even bigger step to then trust again. This isn't necessarily fair to those around me and this causes me to hold back from trusting Jesus all the way. Yet, that is the beautiful thing about trusting Jesus is that HE ALWAYS IS TRUSTWORTHY, grasping that is a process that requires daily letting go and allowing Him to be my trust.

How would our trust change if we asked this question daily- "What helped you trust God today? What got in the way?" I reflected on these questions today and was reminded that we can find moments in each day that help us to trust Him. It is a choice to be able to see that, but when we focus on that we gain a different perspective.

Looking to the new year is both exciting and scary. Change has never been something that I am particularly good at or love, but is something that I am learning to embrace. It's one of those things that requires a whole lot of trust. So that is what I am anticipating this year to be, a year of continued growth, trust, and change. I am grateful to continue on this journey with the support of my family and dear friends, who continue to encourage me and challenge me to use my gifts for God's kingdom.

Matthew 6:25-34
Proverbs 3:5-6
Psalm 37:1-7