He is in all things

I love taking a step back toward the end of the year and reflecting on how I have seen the Lord at work throughout the year. Looking back on 2015, it was a year full of memories, challenges, and a whole lot of growth.  These are in no particular order, but encompass a small piece of what this year has held.

This year I got to stand up next to some of my very close friends on their wedding days. I watched other close friends get engaged and am excited to be a part of their weddings this coming year. These are such special moments. I watched other friends have babies and have loved getting to be a part of their lives and be a part of their children's life. 

I got to vacation with my best friend, road tripping and going on a cruise in the Bahamas. It was a week full of memories that I will forever treasure.

I have learned so much through my RA's and the residents whose lives I have gotten to invest in. I love my job as a resident director. I love getting to be a part of others lives and know their stories.

I got to spend a summer at camp, doing and being a part of something I never imagined being a part of. These three months were hard, but through them I learned so much. I was stretched in new ways.  I learned the importance of being vulnerable with those around me, and allowing others to help me. 

Through camp and my job at the school, I discovered how much I love working with kids, and how important education is. I'm not sure what that means or looks like for years to come, but realizing our passions is so important in guiding our decisions in the future. 

I learned that in our struggles and weaknesses admitting those is extremely important and then taking steps to overcome them is also important. We have to lean into Jesus during these times and find those whom we can journey through that with. Anxiety and depression were a stronghold in my life, but I journeyed through that and am continuing to heal from that. It's something that has made many things in my life hard, and yet through it I know Jesus in a new way. I have deeper friendships. I have a new prospective on life. I know what it feels like to not be able to be in control of your thoughts and emotions, to not be able to be joyful when you desire to be. I realize how important it is to be real about what is going on and to seek help. I learned that we don't have to live in shame and fear- as followers of Christ we aren't exempt from the hard things.

This year, I learned what it looks like to share life with someone, to let someone in, and to let someone care. I learned how to care about someone as more than a friend, to enjoy the things they enjoy. I navigated through what it means to be in a dating relationship.  I learned a lot about myself, my needs, my desires, my strengths, and my weaknesses. I also learned how important it is for the Lord to be at the center of every relationship. 

I learned the freedom found in letting go. Letting go of expectations, letting go of people, letting go of my plans, and letting go of the fear of leaving the place I call home.

Most importantly this year I learned that the Lord must come first. That my relationship with Him has to be my focus every day, above all else. I have experienced a lot of hard things to get to this point, but it's through these experiences that I have grown and that I am reminded that God is in control all the time.

Ask the questions

I have definitely gone through my share of asking the Lord why. Of trying to comprehend the reason things have happened in my life, but what I'm learning is that the Lord doesn't have to tell me why. The Lord cares about me so much and He doesn't need my plans or outline for my life. He has it all under control and has His own plan. I'm learning that sometimes that plan doesn't make sense, but it's in those moments when I draw nearer to the Lord. When I have to just let go and decide that I don't need to be in control. That is when the Lord is most evident in our lives. Is it easy? No. Is it worth it? Absolutely. I think about Mary, it didn't make sense to her at all that she was pregnant, yet she trusted the Lord and she allowed His plan to prevail.

I used to think that asking the Lord why was bad, that it meant I wasn't a good Christian. I have learned that the season of asking questions can be good, that it can cause us to grow and to develop as followers of Christ. So if you're asking questions, don't grow weary, don't feel like you are wrong in that. Ask the questions, wrestle, let the Lord challenge you and stretch you as you grow in Him.

Things I've learned in this: not to withdraw from others, while its hard to expose our questions and struggles the Lord Desires for us to be a part of community even in this season. Let others speak truth into your life, don't be afraid of what they'll think- expose your weaknesses and let them walk with you. I had to learn this multiple times the hard way.  Ive learned how important my time with Jesus is daily, even when we feel like all we are doing is asking questions and we might even be frustrated, when we turn to him first despite those things He is glorified. Hebrews 11- what a testament to walking by faith when things don't make sense. We can learn from those who went before us, from others who followed Christ.

Keep asking. Keep growing. The Lord loves us unconditionally even in the midst of our questioning. I'm grateful for this promise. I serve a faithful God!!

Prayer and potential

Praying together is something that I think sometimes I take for granted. I forget what a blessing it is to be able to live in a country where we are able to do that wherever and whenever. I think that praying with those you are close to and working with is so important. Today, I am in awe of the fact that I was able to come together with my coworkers before school and pray for each other and for the students we get to teach. I never imagined that I could learn so much about the Lord and about faith through working at a public school. I feel blessed to be a part of a group of women who are all in different seasons, all at different places in their faith journey, but all learning and seeking to know the Lord more. It has been so neat to watch them grow. We get to ask each other questions and share in life together. I was reminded today of how important it is to be in prayer with one another. 

Work is something that has been a big stressor in my life since graduation. I have felt like I needed to have an answer as to what I want to do, or what my goals are. However, I'm learning that I don't have to have an answer as to what my career is going to be, but rather I need to be able to identify my passions and gifts and continue to be open to where and how the Lord wants to use those. It may not be a career with a title, it may be a job that is ever-changing, that is atypical, that doesn't make sense to others. Right now, in this season  I am finding joy where I am at.  And the job I have at the school is one I am very thankful for. It is one I know I won't do forever, but I know that for this time the experience of teaching and getting to share in the lives of the kids there and the lives of my coworkers is shaping me for whatever God may have next. Between this summer and this school year, I have learned a lot about what I need in a job. I have also been able to recognize how important education is, and while I am not pursuing a degree in education at this time- I can see the Lord using that passion in some way down the road even if it is not in the traditional way. 

I have been challenged this week through my Bible study. We are talking about dreams and how there are moments in our lives when we may feel as though God has forgotten us. We have to trust Him to give us a dream, even if that dream might be different than the one we had. In the book she says " His dream will be challenging, fulfilling, and it will change the lives of the people around you-including your own. The challenge is to embrace it. To pray over it daily. To stay faithful to his promise. To embrace and  live out his beauty. To live a holy life, set apart from the rest of the world around you" (Clinton). This is what I want my life to be about - His dream for me. The Lord is with us ALWAYS. Wherever we go, we are never alone. That is a promise I am clinging to. Sometimes gaining Jesus means letting go of other things, that process is so incredibly hard and yet vital in order to know Jesus fully. We learn from Paul's life of imprisonment and being blamed for things he didn't do, that he still praised God through all of it. May, my life- the good and the bad- be about Jesus. 

I am learning that in the seasons where we are growing that it can be easy to feel like we can't reach our full potential, and yet I believe that despite our hurts and despite our struggles the Lord can and will use us if we allow Him to. I think in those moments it isn't that we don't have potential, because we do- a lot of it. Rather, it is that we aren't able to see that potential or maybe that we don't have the courage to tap into it.  I am thankful for the people in my life who remind me of my potential, who push me in those moments when I need it, but may not want it. 

Marathons

A few weeks ago I got to watch the Chicago marathon. It was one of the coolest experiences of my life. The amount of people who ran it and who were there to watch was incredible. I have so much respect for those who ran it. What a huge commitment to train for it and then to put all that effort forth and push through the day of the race. I am realizing that life is a little like a marathon. There are moments where we feel like we can't see the finish line. There are moments we want to bow out, but we have already come so far- just like in a marathon, you can't quit after you are 23 miles in. We have to push through, we have to finish. We have to make disciples. In Philippians 3 Jesus calls us to run the race in pursuit of Heaven. In this race, in this life we have to train, we have to learn more and more about Jesus so that when we want to give up or when the race gets hard we can push through because we have trained, we have a foundation. 

This season has been anything but easy, and yet it has brought me nearer to the Lord and for that I am grateful. I have to decide each day that my Jesus is who is going to get me through the day. I have learned that living in fear steals my joy and it causes me to live in bondage. What this means going forward, I'm not sure. The unknown is still scary and uncomfortable; however, what I know is that Jesus is all that I need and that no matter where I am at He is with me. I know that there is freedom when I fear Him and not my circumstances. I have learned that starting my morning with time with my Heavenly Father is the best way to start my day. Does this mean every day is easy? Not at all, in fact some are extremely hard- but my God is still good and always will be. 

I am so thankful for the joy I see on my kids faces every single day. The weekend comes around and I miss them. They may test my patience and I may have to get them back on task every other minute, but their excitement for learning and the way they are quick to love is so encouraging to me. I love getting to read with them and to teach them. I love watching the lightbulb come on when something clicks. They have made me love my job and I am so grateful for the opportunity I have to be apart of their lives. 

It is humbling to know that God chooses me. To know that He uses me. On my good days, on my bad days. When I'm strong and when I am weak. I am continually in awe of who He is and how He provides in ways that I wouldn't have ever come up with in my own plan. 

"When all around my soul gives way, He then is all my hope and stay." On Christ the Solid Rock I Stand, these lyrics have played over and over in my head. He is always looking out for me. He knows every single part of me and He has a plan for my life that is beyond anything I could every imagine. 

"You must not rely on the naked eye. What you think you see is not all that is there. There are unseen things. Spiritual things. Eternal things. You must learn to see like through the eyes of a Lion."

I've been doing quite a bit of reading lately and thought I would share some of what I've been learning and maybe even encourage others to read one of these books.

Isaiah 40 keeps coming up, this chapter reminds me that my God never grows tired or weary. Wow, am I thankful for that promise! In the midst of exile, God speaks words of comfort to His people.

The Lord is the everlasting God,
    the Creator of all the earth.
He never grows weak or weary.
    No one can measure the depths of his understanding.
29 He gives power to the weak
    and strength to the powerless.
30 Even youths will become weak and tired,
    and young men will fall in exhaustion.
31 But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.
    They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
    They will walk and not faint.

Through the Eyes of a Lion by Levi Lusko

I am only part way in, but this book has already challenged me. The book is based around Levi's story of losing his 5 year old daughter and how He learned to look at His life from Jesus' eyes. The first chapter is titled Destined For Impact. It talks about God creating us in His image and that we are of great value to Him. He created us to be just a piece of a bigger story. "The same Holy Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead now lives in your heart and is ready and waiting to be activated (7)." That is powerful and I want to live in in that.

The book goes on and I love this quote- "Sometimes what we need to do isn't clear; sometimes it's confusing. Sometimes there is more than one good option. And nowhere in Scripture are we told that we will never feel lost. In fact, just the opposite: Scripture is full of tension (14)." He says that in these situations it may be hard to sense if we are going in the right direction or even if we are moving at all. The Bible is not a map with all the right answers, but rather a guidebook. These times increase our dependence on the Lord and are a part of the process as we grow in our faith. We need God. 

"Life in real time is messy. The fingerprints of God are often invisible until you look at them in the rearview mirror. If you don't get impatient, his plans will become increasingly apparent to you...Discerning God's calling is more a relationship than a route, more a journey than a destination. It's about who you are becoming more than where you are going. Perhaps it's less about what you do and more about how well you do whatever you do. It's not something you have to sit around waiting for; it's something that's all around you even now (29)." Well, this was convicting- I so often tend to look ahead, to try and figure out what God wants me to do later or bigger picture. God has placed me right where I am at, right now and all that He desires of me is to do my best where and what He has called me to now. I want to be more about becoming more like Jesus and less about where I'm going. 

I am excited for what the rest of this book holds!

You and Me Forever by Francis Chan 

(You can download this for free!)

This is also an incredible book and I am only a chapter in. It focuses on the idea that we have to be eternally focused before any relationship in our lives will work. "Until you relate properly to God, you won't be much help to anyone else." Fearing God above ALL else is the most important aspect of our lives, without this we won't be able to fully enjoy life.

Just as the angels, in the presence of God praise Him and declare how holy He is- we should do the same. "If we don't stare at God, we'll spend our time staring at lesser things. Namely ourselves." The most important commandment is to Love God with all our hearts and all our souls and all our mind. The book talks about how often we put Him at the top of our list with everything else falling shortly behind. It says however that really we should put Him at the top of our list and leave a huge gap between that and our other affections. He should be "set apart", which means there shouldn't be a "close second". Again, I'm super challenged and only a chapter in. I love the way Chan points back to Scripture. When we think of our lives with eternity in mind our perspective changes drastically.

Next Step in the Journey

I am in awe of the way the Lord continues to lead and guide me as he writes His story for my life. I am thankful for the mountain tops, the valleys, and all the in betweens because I know that in each of these the Lord is shaping me. It has been a while and so much has happened over the course of this school year, but here is an overview of how God has been working.

Most recently I have been so encouraged by the simple fact that once again I have been dreaming and looking into some longer term goals for my life. Since graduating college one of the biggest challenges has been not being able to be excited about careers or goals for my life beyond my time as an Assistant Resident Director. I love the ministry I get to be a part of at Olivet, but I also know that it is seasonal and that eventually it will be time for me to move beyond here and to invest in something else. However, for the last 2 years that something else has been the daunting question. My degree in business is very general and I could do a lot with it, however what I was hoping to do with it is pretty specific and the Lord hasn't really opened those doors, and it once again is seasonal. So as I have been praying and asking the Lord to show me what else I could be excited about doing. What else I could pour my heart into when it comes to work down the road. I have been wrestling with that. 

About a month ago, while I was sitting at a conference for work listening to everyone else speak passionately about what they do I realized that I could be too. The Lord started reminding me of my love for high schoolers and my desire to work in the school. He reminded me of the vital role my high school guidance counselor played in my high school years. And I began to realize that going back to get my masters in school counseling would be very achievable and something I could definitely see myself doing. As this new thought process came about I began to realize that this step of the journey could allow me to spend my summer working at camp. An application to apply was waiting in my inbox and I felt pulled in two different directions. I wanted to work at camp and yet realistically that didn't make since because I have a job and I need to have something to do in the fall. Quitting my job so that I could work at camp all summer seemed impossible. However, once the idea of starting a masters in the fall came into play I realized that the opportunity to work at camp was a definite possibility. Puzzle pieces started to fall into place. I accepted a position at Covenant Harbor to work as the Day Camp Program Director this summer. It is a position that is going to challenge me and stretch me in ways beyond what I feel capable of, but I believe that through these moments the Lord will work in and through me and I can't wait to see that happen. I have never really gotten to be a part of camp, but have always desired to. Here is my open door and I can't wait to be a part of it! 

The plan for now is to start an online masters in school counseling in the fall. On top of this, I am hoping to do some substitute teaching in the high school to get my foot in the door there. So between ARD life, schoolwork, and hopefully working at the school some I should be able to find a somewhat consistent schedule and stay busy. I am moving buildings again next year (I am a pro at moving by now). It is the same position, but a different team dynamic. I am excited for the ways this opportunity is also going to stretch me. I am looking forward to getting to work with my team and learn together. 

Another thing I am super grateful for are the people God has placed in my life and the ways my relationships with them have grown. I'm thankful for friends in my life who encourage me, challenge me, and continually point me back to Jesus. I've been on a new journey this year as I learn what a dating relationship looks like. I love dating my best friend. I also love that him and my best friend are best friends. It has been so much fun and has definitely taught me so much. Parker has learned to love walking and talking and I am beginning to somewhat enjoy baseball, at least Olivet baseball :) He is so supportive of me and whatever I am doing, I couldn't ask for more. 

I am learning to trust God in all things. Relinquishing control is something I am not good at. I hold onto things too tightly, but the Lord has been challenging me to let go and to allow Him to take control so that I can live in His peace.