2 Corinthians 4:6-10
"For God, who said, 'Let there be light in the darkness,' has made this light shine in our hearts so we could know the glory of God that is seen in the face of Jesus Christ. We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves. We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. Through suffering our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies."
Sometimes in our lives we have to go down paths that we wouldn't choose in order to get where we are going. This year has been hard. Really hard. Every year since graduation has been challenging, but this probably has been one of the hardest. I have had many good days, but I have also had many not so good days. Needless to say, I have not felt like myself. I feel like I haven't been able to live in the joy that the Lord wants me to live in. While I want to choose His joy and His light, there are moments I haven't. I have chosen to work toward getting better, not always understanding or knowing what that means or how to do that. I have tried to keep myself busy in order to try and not deal with some of the deeper issues and have tried to pretend like everything is okay. I have tried to push through, have tried to keep going- when in turn I was actually backsliding. I don't slow down, I don't take a step back- but a couple weeks ago I had no other choice. I got to a point where I had to step away in order to work through some things and to figure out what changes needed to be made. This was not a pretty process, in fact it came with a bit of resistance, many tears, and a lot of confusion. BUT I am extremely thankful for that time. I learned some very valuable keys during that time. I learned that I am strong. That moments like those don't take away my strength. While also learning at the same time that I don't have to have it all together, that I am human and that in this world we have struggles and that admitting them gives us a sense of freedom to begin the process of healing. I learned that sometimes it's okay to take care of myself. I'd rather take care of and serve others, but I can't do that if I neglect myself. I appreciated the unscheduled days, it allowed me to focus on the task at hand that gets lost sometimes in the midst of constant busyness. I am beyond thankful for those who stood by me in that time. Who processed with me, who prayed diligently for me, and who loved me in the darkest moments. I am thankful for the support system I do have and for those who have remained through it all.
Through this time away and a lot of prayer and reflection I have been able to pinpoint a few changes that I needed to make. I have realized that I have to let go of the goals that I had in and since college. Some of them I hope will still happen down the road, others of them I have learned to accept. I have realized that I've been searching for a career where I can thrive and be challenged and love what I do. I've struggled to commit to anything or to even try to envision a career for myself because I couldn't see past "my plan" which didn't exactly involve a career. Over the last couple weeks the Lord has started to reveal to me pieces of the puzzle to help me see a new direction. I have decided to take a step back from the program I was planning to do in Missouri and to spend some time working through some things in my life and investing in a longer-term career. I found a program at Colorado Christian University where I can teach full time in a classroom while I receive my licensure, so I will take a few classes and have a supervisor but otherwise will be a regular classroom teacher in the Denver area. (Hopefully first grade!) I love kids, and while I can't have my own right now-teaching will give me the opportunity to have 20 some of them all of the same age all at the same time and then send them home at 3:00 each day! Teaching though isn't just a job, teaching encompasses so much more. The impact you can have on a child's life is so significant. I think about the roles teachers have played both negatively and positively in my life, I get excited when I think about being able to influence the lives of children. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I can work toward something and that I can find work that I love and can do joyfully until the Lord leads me in a different direction. I won't move to Colorado until August and am still working on applying for licensure and getting a job, but am trusting those are pieces he Lord will continue to add to the puzzle. I am excited about this new journey and to be able to teach full time!
The words to this song are truths I am trying to cling to.
Carry Me by Kristine Dimarco
"In the moments where I'm weakest, I lift my eyes to see. You are everything You said you'd be. When I'm looking for the answers and questions stir up fear I lift my eyes to heaven and your voice is all I hear.
You carry me through the valley, carry me through fire. You carry me into freedom, carry me into life.
When I'm searching, when I'm longing for more than what I've seen. Its your love that keeps me steady and my heart from wandering.
You carry me through the valley, carry me through fire. You carry me into freedom, carry into life. You carry me up the mountain, carry me to the heights. Where I understand your story, where faith is not a fight.
I'm leaning, leaning. Leaning on the everlasting arms."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lmxNhI4YHaI
