There are times in our lives when we have to make decisions that don't make sense, or decisions are made for us that we don't understand. I feel lately as though I have been through many of these, and yet I feel an indescribable peace knowing that once again the Lord has gone before me and goes with me. In the midst of these times we learn and we grow, it may be painful but we endure because of His faithfulness and His unending love.
A huge struggle in my life is not allowing myself to believe the lies of the world. I am guilty of allowing myself to listen to what people think or say instead of listening to what my Heavenly Father says. This is something I am working to overcome. Especially in seasons of great loss and not understanding it can be hard to combat those lies with truth. Continuing to lean into the word and to what HE says, because that is all that matters.
From the time I was little I have been one who goes deep with those in my life. I go into relationships with a longterm mindset, because of this I invest deeply and care immensely. I do this with friends, relationships, and I even experienced this in my classroom. This trait is one that I wouldn't change no matter how hard it is when I experience loss, because it draws me closer to Him. And in all of those situtations I feel like I can look back knowing that I loved as Christ calls me to love- deeply and intentionally. This was no different with my 30 precious students. I loved them every single day, when they were angels and when they were being defiant. I walked into a building for 9 weeks set to be the hands and feet of Jesus in my classroom and in the building, to love deeply and to do my very best to educate my students. I was determined to push through no matter how hard, how tired I was, how beaten down, how discouraged, overworked, taken advantage of, and how unsupported I felt. I was determined to be there for my 30 kids no matter how I was treated from above. I prayed daily that the Lord would sustain me and carry me and He did. He helped me to endure many long and challenging days. It came to a point last week where I felt like the Lord was saying, "Jordan, you have given everything you have to give here. I know you love your students, but my daughter this is not a healthy place for you. You are not at your best. I know you don't give up on things, but I am asking you to lay down your pride and your desire to have security and step away now. Trust me to provide for you. I will take care of you." I sense He had been trying to tell me pieces of this along the way, but it finally became clear to me and I no longer could run from His direction for me. A week ago, I stepped away from job. Since then I have felt an unexplainable peace, I have sensed His nearness. Not a day goes by where I don't miss my kids, but I have to believe the Lord has them. He cares about them even more then I could on my best day. He has a plan for each of their lives, and while I only was able to be a part of it for a short season I have to believe that the Lord was at work in that and He used me in the time I was there. Those students names, faces, and stories are forever etched on my heart and who knows what the Lord has planned for those kids.
In the days since, I have had the opportunity to spend time with my mom (such a blessing she is), explore new places, to be outside, to read, and to rest. If you need a good book to read check out "Present over Perfect", by Shauna Niequist. This book has challenged me to slow down, to live more simply, and to not be concerned with what others think.
As far as next steps go, its in the Lords hands. In order to stay in my licensure program I need to find a teaching job by Saturday. If not, then I will sub or find some type of work and continue looking for teaching jobs to reenter the program in January. It is uncertain, but I beleive the Lord has a plan. For now, taking it one day at a time, submitting applications, praying, and looking to Him to open the right doors.
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